I should use my altar more.
I should go sit in nature more.
I should pray more.
I should leave offerings more.
I should sit in silence more.
I should be dreaming more.
I should I should I should.
More more more.
I had been praying and that prayer turned into a list of ways I was failing at my spiritual practice. I was frustrated with myself and tried to pinpoint what I was doing instead of spending time at my altar or in meditation and prayer.
The answer? I am mothering my two young sons.
When they need me, and for what, is unpredictable. There is no routine, no order, no symmetry to life with toddlers.
And to that realization I heard HER say:
"THAT is your devotion. Be their best mother."
And I understood that all of the saintly fantasies of devotion I had in my head were for another time, another place, and possibly best left to saints. But for here? For now? Mothering is my devotion.
After all, it was hers too.