Have you ever been in a situation in your life where you just wish you could fast forward to that point in the future where everything is okay again? A point where the bills are paid, your heart is no longer broken, they've recovered from their serious illness or you've learned to live with the grief?
I was at that point in 2008 when I knew my marriage needed to end. When I knew we would only ever hold one another back, no matter how much love held us together.
It was frightening. Slam the door on that part of your mind and barricade your heart kind of frightening. Stare at the wall wishing it away kind of frightening.
The real knife twist to my heart was that I was the only one who knew our marriage was doomed. He was blissfully unaware. His life was perfect: He was about to graduate summa cum laude from the highest ranked chiropractic school in the U.S. He, who graduated from the worst ranked public high school in his hometown, was about to become a doctor. On top of that, he had just accepted a job at a very busy chiropractic clinic in Madrid, Spain.
And as he stood at the podium on graduation day, asking me stand up so he could publicly thank me for my support, the knife twisted itself into my gut another inch. In that moment I knew two things: I loved him terribly and I had to let him go.
I also knew that the only way to get the knife out of my gut . . .
was to sink it into his heart.
But people live for years in a marriage they've outgrown, don't they? I mean, we loved each other. We even liked each other.
What the hell was wrong with me?
I'll tell you what was wrong with me: my intuition.
My bloody, pain-in-the-ass, womanly instinct. I couldn't tell you why our relationship was all wrong but I sure as hell could feel it.
And after a few months of living in denial, my body started to show it.
I had developed horrible, painful, embarrassing cystic acne.
There was something festering beneath the surface
and I needed to let it out.
One morning I woke up with a terrible, itchy, red rash all over my neck. It was gross and it was inexplicable . . . except my intuition knew exactly what it was:
I needed to say something that I wasn't saying.
STILL in denial, I went to a curandera healer. I went to a shaman. I called a psychic. All asked me annoying questions like "What are you not letting out?"
I have never wished to fast forward through life, to get to that place where everything is okay again, more than I did at that time.
If only someone could swoop down and fetch me-- fly me off to this future land where everything is okay and then show me exactly how to get there.
Ah. But therein lies the problem: Someone had swooped down and whisked me off to a future land. Someone had shown me how to get there.
That someone? Me.
My dream self had been showing me repeatedly, in fact, how and why I needed to end this relationship. My dream self went out of her way to show me glimpses of the future land where everything was okay again.
But I hadn't wanted to listen. It was all too big. Too powerful. I wasn't sure what frightened me more: the prospect of leaving my marriage or the prospect of entering into a new marriage. A marriage between myself and my intuition. A marriage in which I would surrender my life to the power of dreams and intuition.
A marriage in which they would teach me how to
let them surrender to me.
You see, divining answers, truths and Mysteries is as part of our human experience as is breathing. In fact, it's a large part of our purpose here on Earth. It's what I was doing when I consulted the curandera healer, the shaman and the psychic. It's what I was doing when I tuned into my body to find out why it was erupting so violently. It's what I wasn't doing when I ignored my dreams.
Dreaming is divination.
Today, I am in that place where everything is okay again. And you know what? So is he.
I chose to follow my dreams-- my actual, nighttime dreams (which, surprise! has also led me to my metaphorical dreams). I entered into a new kind of relationship with my dreams and my intuition-- a more serious one-- and we've been making beautiful music ever since.
The latest song we've been singing has been to the tune of The DIVINA School of Dreams and Divination.
Learn from my mistakes. The next time the Winds of Change come a knockin', don't leave your dreams and intuition out in the cold. In fact, open the door to Change, fully dressed and in control. In time, you may even learn how to knock on the door of Change. And when you do?
Tell him I sent you.
P.S. The DIVINA School of Dreams and Divination is now open for enrollment! Now through June 30th, enjoy a special enrollment price at 50% off! Learn everything you need to know about beginning or advancing a dream practice. I don't say this to sound trite, but it could save or change your life. School starts July 1st!
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Comment: When was a time you ignored your intuition/dreams to disastrous consequences? Or, what is the most extreme thing your intuition/dreams ever did to get your attention? Or, When was a time you listened to your intuition/dreams and were blessed beyond your wildest imaginings?